Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Why Do We Cry?

Can I just tell you that I am extraordinarily proud of my sons? If you know me well, you likely already know this. Here's a little you may not know. When they were contemplating their school, the coach and band director got into a bidding war over their scholarships and there were three offers on the table from the one school. Their high school band directors and coaches had spoken well of them and they both wanted the boys involved. Due to NAIA rules, they couldn't accept both scholarships, but, did take the biggest one, the sports one. However, they are at school early this week for Music Camp in preparation for their music degrees. So, why do I cry?

I cry because I'm proud. Those little six pound babies are six foot (almost) men. They've grown (almost) into their bodies. They've matured (almost) into strong leaders. They've learned (almost) as much as I can teach them. And, so, I cry.

I cry because I will miss them. They each have their own funny quirks that I will miss. They each have their own funny sayings that I will miss. They each have their own funny way of showing love that I will miss. They each have their own funny way of getting under my skin that I will miss. They each have their own funny way being a part of the bigger thing we call a family that I will miss. And, so, I cry.

I cry because it's an end. What?! They're not dead, ya know... Yes. I know. But, all those quirks, sayings, loves, irritations, and being part of the family is the beginning of a sort of "slow death" or an end. I'm not being morbid here but, it's an end. I'm being realistic because it's an end. Sometimes, big changes can feel like a death in that the way of life you've been used to for 18 years is now at an end. In the same way that life goes on after the death of a loved one, it goes on after a kid or two goes to college because every beginning has an end. You still have to go to work, cook, clean, eat, and raise the other kids so they can go off to college when it's their turn because it will be their end. And, so, I cry.

I cry because it's a beginning. It's the beginning of a new era. It's the beginning of a new way of life. It's the beginning of a new life for them. It's the beginning of their new normal. It's the beginning of our new normal. It's the beginning of their new lives. It's the beginning of independence. It's the beginning of new freedoms. It's the beginning of them having a life outside of me. And, so, I cry.

I cry because I won't be there to see the changes. They'll be making friends whose parents I won't know and I won't be there. They'll be getting themselves out of bed and I won't be there. They'll be going to classes and doing assignments and I won't be there. They'll be eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner and I won't be there. They'll be doing their laundry and I won't be there. And, so, I cry.

I cry because I'm happy. I've given them enough room that they were comfortable enough to leave and that makes me happy. I've given them enough structure that they got themselves out of bed on time on their first day away and that makes me happy. I've given them enough personality that they're already out there and establishing themselves and that makes me happy. I've given them enough discipline that they've excelled in multiple areas and that makes me happy. And, so, I cry.

I cry because I'm their mom. And, so, I cry.