Mothers Are So Embarrassing...

Well, I didn't think the time would come, but, it has. I am an embarrassment. I found this out last night. We went to a performance for Abbi and dragged all the boys with us. We all sat down in a row in the auditorium. Benjamin was beside me, but, decided he wanted to be on top of me.

We played, he aggravated his Daddy, and it was pretty much a normal event while we waited for the performance to begin. Nathan sat in the chair on the other side of where Benjamin would have been sitting, had he chosen to sit on the chair instead of me.

We did a little bit of talking. Nathan made a comment here and there. Benjamin continued to waller all over me and aggravate his Daddy. He loves to be rough and tumble. In the midst of the playing, I reached my hand over in between the seat between Nathan and myself. When he refused to acknowledge my hand, I tapped his arm. He acted like he didn't know what I wanted. I said, "Well, FINE then! Benjamin still loves me!" Nathan responded, "He's seven. He doesn't get embarrassed, yet." Picture my heart deflating a little. I am THAT mom.

You know, when you were younger and your mom wanted to hug you or even worse, KISS you in front of people! GASP! MOM! REALLY! I am guessing that applies to hand-holding as well. My sons have reached that stage...the one I have dreaded...I'm not cool any more. I noticed a while back, they don't tell me they love me on the phone any more. At least they don't if they are calling from school or around their friends. Or, I get the really fast, "loveyoutoo," in a near-whisper voice. SIGH. I am old. And not cool.

I am going to have to get used to this new phase of my life. I can't say that I didn't know it was coming. I did. I just wanted to be able to hang on to my little boys a little while longer. I guess now, I will accept what attention I can get when it comes to affection from the boys. Nathan did make it a little better today. We were walking into a grocery store, he reached over, took my arm, and briefly put his head on my shoulder while we were walking. I'll take it.

Blinders or Glasses?

I came across a video on facebook the other day. This video made me think and made me cry. Part of the reason it made me cry is because I sometimes struggle with which side of this video I belong on. I wonder if I am the one wearing glasses, blinders, or needing someone to wear glasses. I want to be the one wearing glasses.

In the video, a man is essentially selfishly running through life. In his mind, everyone around him is self-centered and a jerk. Nobody cares that he is caught in traffic, or they stepped in front of him in line. He is very passive aggressive in his attitude. While he is waiting (impatiently) for his coffee, a man walks up and hands him some glasses. When he puts them on, he sees what others are struggling with.

There is the man who just lost his job. There is a woman who avoids relationships for fear of pain. There is a single mom raising two kids and working two jobs. There is a child who just needs someone to care. Every time he goes to take the glasses off, he gets curious and puts them back on. In the end, he decided to at least do something with the kid who simply needed someone to care.

A lot lately, I have felt like I needed someone wearing those glasses who would just care about me. I have wondered why nobody can see what I am struggling with or how much pain I am in. This video made me want to stop thinking about my hurt. Yes, I am hurting a lot. Yes, I am lonely and struggling with grief, still. But, what is going on with those around me? Who else is hurting? Who else is struggling? Who else just wants someone to care?

I want and need to take off my blinders. You see, the blinders made me think only about me. The blinders made me not reach out so much to others because of holding on to my own hurt. I am going to do my best to put on my glasses. I want to look at those around me and actually SEE them. I want to see beyond facades and faces that people put on and help them or at least be there for them. If I can make a difference in one, that person can make a difference in another. I think that by helping others, I will truly be helping myself.

WOW!!!!

That is the link to the video. I hope you enjoy it.

Sometimes Life Isn't Fair

Normally, I try to post things that are funny, nice to read, sometimes insightful, or hopefully thought provoking. Well, to be honest, I just don't fell like doing that right now. So, I am not going to. If you came looking for something good today, consider yourself given fair warning, it ain't gonna happen.

I am honestly beginning to hate the month of February. It especially hard this year. My birthday is this month. So is my Cheri's birthday. We have celebrated together for the last several years. We either choose one night to celebrate both or choose two nights to celebrate each other. It didn't really matter, as long as we were able to go out together. We can't do that this year and it just sucks. I have cried more than once.

I have had SOMETHING happen on or around my birthday the last few years that has upset me. I guess maybe I am too sensitive around that time, too. Especially since this will be the 9th year in a row I have turned 29. I am not dealing well with that, either. It seems that someone is thoughtless, or I get bad news around my birthday too often anymore. I am tempted not to even celebrate it at all this year.

Tonight is the Super Bowl. I can't tell you the last time it was Super Bowl Sunday and we didn't have somewhere to go or someone to come over. We are still building relationships here and I am honestly not comfortable enough to have people over. We haven't been invited anywhere, really, but that is just a part of living in a new area, I guess. I can handle that. I will fix "football food" and we will hang out with the kids.

Valentine's Day? I can take it or leave it. I don't need to be taken out to dinner once a year because tradition dictates it. I hate fighting the crowds to get into a restaurant that day, anyway. It is annoying to me. I used to LOVE getting gifts or attention then. Not so much anymore. It is 12 days before my birthday and I am kind of like the kid with a December birthday. I don't want a combination present. I don't see the point spending a bunch of money that day when my birthday is less than two weeks away, but, then again, I am just not thrilled about the birthday thing anyway, so, let's just get through this month and get it over with.

No, Life isn't fair. I don't get to follow the traditions I am used to. There is more snow on the ground than I have ever seen in my life. I am struggling with reaching out right now. I lost my Daddy four months ago. My hair is turning gray and I need to lose weight. Sorry to sound so bitter, but, I needed to get it out. Love to all who read and thanks for letting me vent.

Wrong Era

I said in an earlier post that I was born in the wrong era and I was going to have to blog about it. I am doing that now. I am not sure what I even really mean to say here or how I am going to say it, but, here goes...

The post I was referring to was the one where I was talking about how much I love a fire or fireplace. I have even cooked with wood before. I loved it! I know it would be hard to do all the time and not as convenient as gas or electric, but, I enjoyed it.

Another reason I feel that way is because of how much I love to garden. If I could have a vegetable garden every summer, I would do it. I haven't had many opportunities to grow vegetables living in the city so much, but, I would. To me there is nothing like home grown, home canned vegetables. Whenever I get a chance, I go to farmer's markets and buy fresh vegetables. I even found a place here where you can pick your own! That makes me happy! I just recently used the last of the green beans I had put up from the summer. They were frozen, but, still very good!

While I love the convenience of driving where ever I want, it would be awesome to have some horses. I love to ride horses. I would keep and ride horses if I could. Once again, living in the city, I can't do that.

Some of my favorite books to read are from the pioneer days. I know those people suffered hardship and worked very hard for what they had, but, I very much enjoy reading about how they help shaped the society in which we live today. They were honest and real and so unlike so many people today. The things they had meant something to them. They weren't things to take for granted. I think that is one reason why it appeals to me so much. They knew the value of what they had and how they got it. We are so spoiled today.

Probably the only drawback for me had I been born back then is the clothes. I honestly can't see myself wearing dresses or skirts day after day. I do enjoy the practicality of pants. I have never really been a jeans wearer, though. Dressing down for me is dressing up to some. Of course, had I been born then and that was all I knew, I guess I would have worn dresses all the time, too. Guess I will never know...

Three Girls and a Bathroom

This morning, I got up to take a shower and decided to turn on the Pandora app on my phone. I was listening to music and belting it out. I don't normally listen to music when I am in the shower because everyone else is usually asleep. While I was showering, I had a thought. I was thinking about how convenient Pandora is and how much better than the old radio with an antenna that you had to make sure was in the right spot or you didn't get music.

Then, I started to reminisce. I started remembering being in high school, living at home with my parents. I remembered those mornings with that radio playing. I remembered one bathroom and three girls. The bathroom had the best light. That was the best place to put on the makeup. It was also where the washer and dryer were. It was barely big enough for three girls, but, we managed.

There was a mirror over the sink and a larger one over a vanity type table in the bathroom. There were the usual fights over who was using which mirror and who was using which hair implement. Keep in mind...this was during the "big hair" days. We HAD to use the hair dryer, curling iron, hair spray, hair picks, mousse, and whatever else was handy! All the electrical hair stuff was by the small mirror, so, we had to play musical mirrors. One would be working on hair while two worked on makeup and then we would switch out. We somehow managed to work out a system that caused less fighting. All the while, we were listening to that radio.

Poor Daddy. We girls had to be up by 6:00 to catch the bus by 7:00 for school that started at 8:00. How was a lone man ever to manage with all those girls?! Heaven forbid he should need to use the bathroom! He came up with his own solution to that one. He would get up at 5:00 when he didn't have to be at work until 7:00 just to make sure he got to use the bathroom!

Ah, that radio. It had the big silver antenna off the top of it. It had to be set just right. If it ever fell over, there was a mad scramble to fix it. It had to be turned just the right way and sometimes needed a little boost from a wire hanger to get the best reception. That poor radio went through so much. It became caked and coated. It got covered in hairspray, makeup, perfume, and whatever else floated around in that bathroom. It's funny. Nowadays, the only time I see a radio like that is on a TV show from the 80's...makes me feel old. Nevermind, I will say it makes me feel nostalgic :)

A Fire

My husband and my mother accuse me of being a fire bug. I will get a fire started in the fireplace and keep it going. I have to make myself leave it alone sometimes because of how much I enjoy it. I absolutely love a wood fire in a fireplace. I have loved wood fire for a very long time.

My first experience with a wood fire was as a very young girl. I was probably three or four years old. My grandparents had a wood heater. I loved watching my Papaw build a fire in his wood heater. I just thought it was amazing to watch the wood catch and burn. After that, Daddy went back into the military and we started moving around again. I missed that fire.

Jump ahead about 12 years. My parents decided they didn't like paying high gas bills and so they bought a wood heater for our house in Georgia. I was an older teenager and still loved a fire. I would play with candles and make wax figures. I would light three or four of them and mess with them while they burned, so a wood heater was just another excuse for me to play with fire some more.

I would chop wood, stack wood, and build fires. I learned how to start a fire with a little kindling and stack the wood just right. I learned how to make it so that the fire would burn all night and give off heat for the whole house. I learned how to stack the dryer wood on bottom so the green wood could burn longer.

I now have a wood burning fireplace. This is the second house we have lived in with a fireplace. A fireplace makes me happy. I don't know why. It just does. There is something homey and cozy and earthy about having a fire in the fireplace. I think the real thing going on with me and fire is that I was born in the wrong era. I may have to write a blog on that...

Whose Job is it to Parent?

I am going to have to go on a rant here. I am so frustrated with some of the things I am seeing lately. I posted on my facebook about some students at a high school. Some 90 girls were pregnant or had had a child in the last month. And, the SCHOOL was scrambling to fix the problem. They were the ones looking into things to do to help these girls out or help prevent the teen pregnancies. Whose job is it to parent?

I sat in a meeting today with a student, two other teachers and the parent. The student has been sleepy in class. When questioned about it, he admitted to not getting much sleep. Mom chimes in (like she is proud of herself) stating he has a bedtime. 11:00. 11:00???!!! At 13 years of age, he needs as much sleep as a toddler! AND she talked about how he liked to stay up playing Modern Warfare. REALLY??? So, you let him stay up, and you let him play violent video games. When WE presented her with the things happening in school and the facts about how much sleep he needs, she decided to change his bedtime. Whose job is it to parent?

My experience with students has been wide and varied. I have had pre-teens who have to leave school to go straight home and take care of younger siblings. I have had students with children who leave those children with their parents while they go off and do their thing. I have had students being raised by grandparents. I have had students whose "job" it is to take their younger siblings to ball games and practices. Whose job is it to parent?

I am by no means trying to say I am perfect, nor a perfect parent. I make mistakes. I yell when I shouldn't. I lose my temper. I don't ALWAYS make sure my kids have a fruit or vegetable at every meal. We have sugar in the house. But, I also limit their sweets, don't allow my kids to have soda very often, and monitor their TV and internet use. I spend time with my kids. I read what they read, I watch what they watch. I talk to them, I listen to them. Why do I do this? I do it in the hopes that one day, they will NEVER have to ask me, "Whose job was it to parent?"