I've had a couple of days this week where I woke just feeling "off". Ever have those days? Something's wrong, but you have no clue what? Something is bothering you and you're not sure why? You have this feeling of dread and don't know where it came from? This morning, it hit me hard. Really hard. I wasn't sure what the heck was going on. I'm typically a pretty laid back, happy, easy-going person. But, my heart felt heavy today. I had no desire to do anything. But, I forced myself to get out and go for a walk. I needed to walk and clear my head. While I walked, it hit me. I'm growing up. Wait, what? You're 42 years old, Shannon. You should have grown up a LONG time ago! Yeah, you're right, but, as long as my children were "not grown", I didn't have to FEEL grown...
This morning, my child who NEVER gets out of bed without being told texted me before 6:00 AM telling me that she needed to be at school at 7:00 AM and not PM like she originally thought. She got up, got ready, made her breakfast and lunch, and left me, to be grown. She had a practice and band camp, today. She's considering joining a student-leader group. She's trying to add a college credit course to her school load. I'm growing up.
My son who NEVER gets out of bed without being told came down the stairs at 8:00. He said, "I've got 30 minutes to get out the door." He made his breakfast. He got his work clothes together for the evening shift he's working. He's spending all day in a leadership course for band. He's contacted his football coach to let him know he can't make practice, today because of the two other things he had to do. I didn't have to tell him to do all of that. He got dressed and left me, to be grown. I'm growing up.
My other son (after getting extra rest and being told to get up) got out of bed, ate something, took out the garbage without being told, and cleaned the kitchen after being told. He emailed his band director to ask questions about next week, without being told. He's going to football practice this afternoon. He's taking his shower supplies and work clothes, he will leave football and go to work. In a few hours, he will get dressed for practice and leave me, to be grown. I'm growing up.
All of the funny sayings, wisdom from elders, and horror stories really don't prepare you for what's happening right in front of your eyes. They don't attempt to explain the ache that starts once you realize they're starting to "not need" you. It doesn't begin to prepare you for the tears that randomly show up when you see a "Timehop" picture from four years ago. In no way do they start to describe the confusion a mom feels when they take the initiative to contact other adults instead of asking me to do it. They cannot in any way enable a mother to deal with the stabbing pain of watching other people "court" her children to come and become part of a new (college) family or team. Don't get me wrong, they'll always want their mama in their life, I hope and pray. One of my boys has taken to calling me as soon as he gets off work and talking to me on his way home. That gives me hope. That hope helps me because I'm growing up.
My role is changing. I'm becoming less "mama" and more "advisor". We're talking about tough decisions. We're discussing their futures. We're talking about whether to expand the nest or leave the nest. We're discussing money and making decisions about money. I'm doing my best to make sure they don't make the same mistakes I did because I'm growing up.
Wait, don't you have another kid? Oh, you mean the one who is 12, going into the seventh grade, and already talking like a college professor while simultaneously being addicted to video games? The one who is already talking about the activities he's going to join this year? Yes, I still have my baby boy. But, he's a baby boy with a mustache who recently posted a bunch of selfies with girls on his snapchat story. GASP! Well, I guess I can be thankful that this is my last time to deal with hormones, at least. I guess that too means I'm growing up.
I am already missing my babies with a year to go before two leave whether it's physically to a college out of state or metaphorically by living at home and going local. So many sayings about roots and wings say things like they need to be given wings in order to fly. I don't want my children to fly. I want them to soar. I want them to rise about the clouds, catch a wind and lift themselves higher than I ever could. In order to do that, I have to believe I'm growing up.
So, here goes. Grow, my children. Change, my children. Fly, my children. SOAR, my children. Don't worry about me. I'll be okay. You see, I'm growing up...
